Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The Awkward Life of Lauren Cassidy

Today was a marvelous day. I was stuck inside most of the morning/afternoon for a  "clinical orientation" for school. After racing home I decided to go on the balcony and soak up some rays. I had been thinking that if I brought my computer out there and stated playing my music before the neighbor played his that he would think to himself, "My nice next door balcony neighbor Lauren is listening to her nice music, I will just sit here in peace and enjoy her music and not play my obnoxious music, because that would be rude". Well lets just say these thoughts never crossed his mind. Nope. Instead he turns up the base on his techno crap and lights up a cigarette. Maybe I could deal with the acoustic trash if I didn't also have to deal with the constant second hand smoke as well. 
Well, my measly computer speakers were no match for his sub-wuffer, so I grabbed my headphones and hoped to catch some last glorious rays before the sun went behind the trees. At this point I realized that his music was shaking the wall and the floor! I promptly took out my frustration by kicking the wall that separates our balconies several times. I realize this wasn't the smartest thing to do but it lead to my next discovery....HE WASN'T EVEN ON THE BALCONY! No, he had left apparently to run errands, I should have noticed by the lack of second hand smoke entering my lungs. Needless to say I was very angry. Instead of committing the felony I have been contemplating for the last 3 weeks of sneaking over there and breaking those speakers, I instead wrote a strongly worded letter. (Mind you my idea of a strongly worded letter includes the words "please", "inconsiderate", and "thanks") I folded the note and threw it over the dividing wall. Just to be sure the note would be noticed I checked it's placement. Well lets just say the note is not in a noticeable place, no it is behind a lawn chair, in a corner, near a bunch of spider webs. Crap. I contemplated what to do about this situation for about 20 minutes. If I left the note there, they might find it soon, but probably not, that means they would find it weeks or months later. I don't think I can wait that long to resolve this issue.  I also didn't want to keep anticipating the day they would find it and then have some verbal/physical altercation with me in regards to a note I forgot I even wrote. 
The possible options ran through my head like this:  I could climb over there and retrieving the note. But this could be considered breaking and entering (although neither would be exactly what I did....but it could be none the less considered a crime, and if you remember the note was written to avoid committing a crime). Then I remembered that my landlord had mentioned that if there was a fire in our apartment we were supposed to climb over the wall onto their balcony and escape the flames. Should I light fire to my apartment to retrieve the note and avoid criminal charges? No that's dumb. Arson is a crime too. I also realized that we are on the second floor and there is a nice hard concrete walkway for me to land on if I fell. I know, I know, I used to be a diver, I shouldn't be afraid of heights, but I don't think you people realize how many times I fell off of 3 meter or fell down the ladder. Anyways I digress, my next thought was to get some kitchen contraptions like tongs or a broom with some duct tape on the end to fetch my note. At this point I was convinced that my note had anti-semitic wording in and an array of f words, and felt a desperate desire to get the note before I was carted off to jail for a hate crime. (I forgot to mention my neighbors a gay, I have nothing against gay people, unless of course they smoke and listen to obnoxious music at maximum volume). 
I ran to the kitchen to search for appropriate tools, tongs in hand I crammed my arm through a space in the wall and wished my arms or the tongs were 4 inches longer. At this point of desperation I saw something in the corner of my eye moving on the walkway below me. It was my neighbor! On no! Crap, double crap. Hide was the only word that came to mind. He had definitely seen me quickly retract my arm/upper torso from his side of the balcony with metal shiny tongs in hand. Now I was hiding behind the wall, waiting to hear him enter his apartment so I could retreat to mine. Once I heard the blessed sound of the door opening I sprinted inside and closed the blinds. "Why didn't I just ask him to turn the music down? Why did I have to write some stupid note?!?! Why didn't I just ask him to hand back my note? Why am I so awkward??!?" were my next thought to myself. 
Now I am hiding in my apartment waiting for Charlie to come home and tell me what to do. Then I can ignore his advice and wake up at midnight, put on black clothes, and try the broom with duct tape idea until I get my note back. That is in less the neighbor has already found it and in a show of male dominance and annoying-ness has decided to continue playing cochlea damaging techno.
This is just one example of all the awkward things that have happened to me in that last few weeks. I feel like I am getting more awkward by the second. I thought I was supposed to grow out of this stage in life! At least I haven't tripped lately (now I have jinxed myself).
Off to pick out a black outfit....I wonder if I own a black ski mask?

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